Tonks's Diary

Dear Diary,

I've decided to send my current human away to Georgia. Although she took me away from animal-infested "Humane Society" she just sent me to the Vet's office, where they shaved off the fur on my stomach while I was asleep. I will no longer live with someone who willingly put me through such humiliation. I will put up an ad on KSL for new humans tomorrow.

_________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Diary,

A young, crazy cat lady has responded to my ad. I think she will be a good fit because she will cater to my every need. Hopefully she will like it when I pretend to bite her for fun. She is also married. I will jump on her husband's face while he sleeps to encourage good behavior from him.

_________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Diary,

Yesterday my new humans picked me up. I was quite upset with the way everyone treated me during the process. My previous servant drove me in the car for a long while, jerking and swerving all over, for forty minutes, to a strange dark parking lot near a fast food restaurant. The whole way, I was trying to say goodbye, but she just listened to the radio. She brought me out to my new servants' car during a ferocious and dangerous wind storm. There was dirt and sand flying everywhere, and it messed up my fur. Once we were in my new humans' car, they tried to bribe me with treats. I refused to eat while my fur was in such a state. I spent some time exploring the new car for faulty or dangerous conditions as my old servant instructed my new servants on how to serve me well. I said my final farewell to my old owner and wished her a happy life in Georgia, and then I was subject to another drive for another thirty minutes. I took that time to sing for my new owners to they could learn to recognize my voice. I sang the whole way back.

_________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Diary,

It has been a few days since I moved in with my new humans. They insist on calling me "The Babiest One." I appreciate having a proper title, actually. Their small dwelling contains many fun toys that I enjoy. I pounce on the bathroom rug, as it resembles a much wider and flatter version of a slug. I also enjoy pretending that there is something of vast importance that fell in between the cracks of the sofa and that I must get it out. My new owners have also provided these amusing chairs that give me a ladder to to climb in order to speak to them face to face. I also thoroughly enjoy batting at my female owner's long hair. During the day, they give me my own personal room to sleep in while they go to work in order to provide for our lifestyle. I requested much funner toys, like q-tips or sheets that have feet underneath them, but instead they have only given me a scratching post that dangles a feathered bird off the top. As it is not what I requested, I only use this toy while they are away.
All in all, I like my new humans. They cater to my every need quite promptly, and their dwelling is small enough that I can monitor their every move at all times.
_________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Diary,

Today I am moody with my humans. For some reason, they think that when I jump up on the platform beneath the window to watch the birds that I actually want to be picked up and placed on the floor. This is the opposite of what I want. They do not understand, for they just reply "No kitties on the counter!" which makes no sense to me. I want to watch the birds. They are so loud and obnoxious; I would really like them to be hunted down.
_________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Diary,

My owners have bought me a mouse! It is a tan mouse, full of catnip. I loved it for quite some time, until I decided that getting it stuck where I couldn't reach it was more fun. If I lose my mouse underneath the refrigerator, I get to watch my owners serve me and get it out. That is a lot less work on my part, and it amuses me to watch them lay down on the floor.
_________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Diary,

I HID MY MOUSE IN THE BEST HIDING PLACE. My owners will never find it.
_________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Diary,

Today, my owners left me at home for thirteen hours by myself. At first, I enjoyed a nice, long nap. Upon awaking, I realized that I wished that I did not hide my mouse in such a difficult place, because then I was very bored. Honestly, I was very sad that they were gone, and I was worried that they were never going to come back. I decided to dig out of my room so I could find go find them Alas, the floor was covered in this "carpet" that I could not dig through. After a long and lonely day, my owners finally returned. I showed them my gladness by rubbing against their legs, singing, and tripping them. They better not leave me for that long by myself again.
_________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Diary,

I have figured out that the trick to looking out the window is to look while my owners are asleep! I soothe my owners into slumber by purring loudly while laying by their heads on their pillows. After they fall asleep, I sneak away, sit on the counter, and watch out the window. I just love to watch the birds and plants. Sometimes I daydream about being outside with them.
_________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Diary,

I DO NOT LIKE THE OUTSIDE. NOT LIKE IT. IT'S THE WORST.
On Friday, my owners drove me to Salt Lake City in the car. They put me in a plastic enclosure that had a door and holes in it. I did not like it, either. I told them this the whole way, but they did not listen. Then, we arrived at a large mansion of a dwelling. I was very nervous, for I have never been in a house so big in all of my 7 months of life. They finally let me out of the plastic enclosure. I began to explore, but there were very many things and people that were scary. That night I slept on top of my female owner's stomach for safety.
The next day was terrible. There was much loud noise and stomping around and crashing. I hid behind the bed all day, until after lunch. Then my owners decided it was a good time to take me outside because it was sunny and bright and windy and warm. They put a protective leash on me, which messes up my fur and alters my gait pattern. They then took me outside and set me down on a DIRTY LAWN OF GRASS. It was green and wet, and cold to my paws. The wind was blowing and messing up my fur even more! I started to shiver because I was so cold. I meowed and told them I wanted to be put back inside, where there is heavenly carpet and walls. Eventually, they complied, and I returned to my hiding place behind the bed for the rest of the day. I hope I never need to go outside again.
_________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Diary,

Today I retrieved my mouse from its hiding place in an effort to give my owners a hint about where it was hidden. They know that it must have been somewhere near the couch. I will hide it in the same difficult hiding place tomorrow and give them a chance to find it for me.
In the time that I have not been watching my owners look for my hidden mouse, I have been exposed to the most wonderful new toy! It is called "the Q-tip." I love all the Q-tips! For some reason my owners keep them either under the sink, where it is closed off to my un-opposable thumbs, or in little white buckets. Then, they bury the Q-tips in the white buckets with tissues and other stuff. It's pretty inconvenient, because then I have to knock over the whole bucket and sort through all of the other stuff in order to find a Q-tip to play with.
_________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Diary,

I've decided that I am old enough to have my own bed. I used to sleep on my male owner's pillow, or snuggled into my female owner's shoulder, but I've grown up since then. I now prefer to sleep on the table. They do not like this, they insist that I do not be on the table. So I wait for them to go asleep themselves, and then I put myself to bed on the table. They will never know.
_________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Diary,

This last weekend, my owners were in and out of the house all day. It disturbed my sleeping schedule very much, and then I was very grumpy. I showed them my frustration by biting and climbing up their clothing using my claws. I hope they learned their lesson. First, they would wake up with me, and then sit on the couch doing "homework" and then leave for an hour to "take a final." During that time, I would decide to start my afternoon nap, but then they would come back home after only an hour! Then the whole process repeated. It was very distracting and I only got 5 hours of sleep instead of 10 hours.
_________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Diary,

My newest favorite toy is the little plastic ring from the milk jug. I played with it for hours today. I enjoy pretending to stuff it into the couch cushions and then stopping it from getting lost. In fact, I've chewed through three of them this last week. I like them even more than the Q-tip. 

_________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Diary,

I taught my parents a new game. They try to pet my head, and I pretend to ferociously attack their hand. It's a pretty fun game.

_________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Diary,

I woke up like this.

_________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Diary,

My parents have started this strange pattern of behavior where they are putting everything in a cardboard box. By so doing, they have revealed many new hiding places for me. 

_________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Diary,

Remember when I told you that my parents were packing everything into boxes? They are even packing all of the food! I also figured out that they put all of my catnip and treats into a cereal box. I can open the box by myself. So then they put the box up where I can't reach it. Barely.

_________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Diary,

Today our family moved into a new apartment. It's quite nice; I particularly love the hardwood floors. They are fun to slide on when I run. It makes playing with my mouse a lot more fun. When we first moved in, I found the best hiding place: in between the walls. There was a small hole in a closet that I found, and my parents spent ten minutes trying to find me. The next day, the small hole was gone. 

I really like this new place. There is a large window just for me to look out the window to watch the birds. 

_________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Diary,

I just love my new family. And my mouse. And this blankie. 

The 10 Commandments of a Crazy Utah Driver

Hello world!

I have recently graduated from college, moved away from college-town to a nice condo, cut my hair, and started 2 new jobs! One job is anywhere from 30-60 minutes away from my new place, and, inevitably, I have joined finally joined the Commuters Club! I didn't really drive much before, and now that I have started driving significantly more, I have a lot of thoughts to share about the Commuters Club, specifically the one that travels I-15.

For those of you who don't know, I-15 runs north-south across the entire state of Utah. It is basically your main highway, unless you are trying to travel outside of Utah.

It gets very crowded.

So crowded that my potentially 30 minute drive could end up being 60 minutes at any second en route. That gives me a lot of time to think and observe other drivers and driving patterns around me. I have determined that to be a "crazy Utah driver" you must follow these 10 commandments.

1) Thou shalt treat the road as your own. Thou shalt not share with anyone in any way.

There are some drivers who are entitled to the road and don't feel that they need to share it with others at all. Make sure you are one of these people.

Merge and swerve around all obstacles in the road, and disregard the many scares and many accidents as a result. During these actions, remember to follow Commandment #2.

2) Thou shalt not look. Ever. If you need to change lanes to avoid a slightly slower car in front of you, just do it. Someone else will honk if there's a problem with your choice.

3) Thou shalt not allow other drivers to merge into your lane. If other people need to merge into your lane, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT let them in. Someone else will. Additionally, if there is no other choice but to let them in, make sure they squeeze in behind you, not in front. Thou shalt always be in front.

4) Thou shalt follow the speed limit. The speed limit is not an upper limit, but rather a lower limit. If the speed limit is 70 mph, that means you should be driving at least 70mph. There is no upper limit, unless there is a cop around. If that is the case and you believe in altruism, come to a full and complete stop until you've passed him. This helps you, and the drivers behind you, slow down enough to the cops won't pull you, or them, over.

5) Thou shalt educate other drivers on the road. If you come across a driver who does not understand the 4th Commandment, and actually just drives at 70mph, before following Commandments 1 and 2, tailgate them for a while. People will never learn about these commandments unless you let them know.

6) Thou shalt turn left properly. When turning left, use the the following color scheme rules:
               GREEN: Go, go, go! Do not hesitate to go. Just go.
               YELLOW: Keep going, keep going, do not "slow down" or "use caution," just keep going.
               RED: Keep the nose of your car five inches away from the bumper of the car in front of you, and follow that car as they turn left. Basically, just keep going, as close as you can to the car in front of you, until traffic from the other side physically starts moving (not just when their light turns green. Wait for them to start moving). When traffic from the other side starts to go, this is the sign that you should stop and wait for the next green light to turn left.

7) In relation to Commandment #6, when your light turns green, thou shalt look both ways before actually going. People may still be running the red light.

8) Thou shalt remember the construction workers. When you are driving in a construction zone where the speed limit is 55mph, make sure that you remember Commandment #4, that the speed limit is a lower limit. Keep driving 70mph, but make sure you keep an eye out for construction workers now. Do not slow down to 55mph until the cars around you force you to do so.

9) Thou shalt win the race. During stop-and-go traffic, remember that you own the road. Don't let other people in front of you, but work very hard to get in front of other people, not matter what the cost. Speed up to the fastest you can to the next car in front of you, and slam on your brakes when you are about four inches away from his car, to let everyone else behind you to slow down.

10) Thou shalt not text and drive. It's against the law to text and drive simultaneously. However, feel free to check Facebook, search for music on Spotify, read emails, call all your friends, take online surveys, and Snapchat while driving. That's not against the law, so it's still considered "safe" by the government. And, if it's an emergency, like your boyfriend asking you where you want to go to dinner tonight, it's okay to respond really quick, because he really needs to know as soon as possible.

And that is how to be a Utah Driver, folks. For the rest of us who try to drive safely, we just have to try to avoid these people at all costs and hope that they don't hit our cars.