One of the most special things about BYU is its diversity. Despite the fact that the majority of people who attend school here are Mormon, Disney-movie-enthusiasts, return missionaries, and nonsmokers, there is still much diversity to be seen here on campus. After much observation, my guest-writer TR and I have identified several classifications of the BYU Student Species, Zoobies, which are listed below.
TR:
Captain Can't Shut-Up: Zoobis Longwindacus
You're gonna be hearing from this species at least once a lecture. Indeed, he can provide up to 50-70% of the answers from the class. This particular species appears to reach extreme peaks of pleasure by hearing the sound of his own voice. Answers that could be provided perfectly with a single word or sentence will be embellished to the point where a series of books could be written instead. Beware of this species in the wild, as they may consume nearly all of your class time before you realize it.
EF:
Mrs. and Mrs. Can't Live Without You: Zoobis Afectionicus
Members of this species do not thrive alone. They spend about three months after arriving at BYU trying to find another Zoobis Afectionicus to marry. They take whoever they find, and marry them before the second semester is over. While dating, and once married, they are never apart. They will only go out to ice cream with friends if their counterpart can also come along. They exhibit increased amounts of PDA, even after they are married, and very much in the public. No matter who is around, or what the circumstance is, they are always making sure that the other feels physically adored. When separated for more than three minutes, they being to panic, which could lead to a severe panic attack if they are not reunited within another two minutes.
TR:
Dr. Deep Doctrine: Zoobis Confusacus
This species will inevitably take any religion class back to the Old Testament. You can be talking about Joseph Smith and he will pipe up about some obscure aspect about the number of tassels on Moses' robe. This species obviously has no interest in what's being taught, but has taken on the personal burden of reaching the class what he feels is important. A master of misdirection, he will take advantage of people's unsurety of dusty old topics to confidently state fallacies which are accepted without question.
EF:
The Student Athlete: Zoobis Athleticus
A very tight clique with each other, this species walks around in BYU sporting attire, always. Males adorn a typical flat-rim hat. They do not bring supplies to class. They attend class about half of the time because they are gone out playing football or basketball or soccer or volleyball for BYU. When they do attend class, they spend the entire time talking to their cliquey friends, or asleep.They do not have a job because they are on full and excessive scholarship to play sports for the school. Typically, they live in places like The Village, or another really expensive apartment with single rooms. Sporting a great sense of entitlement, they swindle teachers into giving them extra credit or allowing them to have open book tests, while all the other "normal" students struggle to learn difficult material to earn good grades. Because of the extra perks, they usually end up with top grades in the class, despite the fact that they were not physically or mentally present for most of it.
TR:
Mr. Missionary: Zoobis Cantmoveonicus
This species appears to have evolved to only be able to speak if it's about two years spent on a religious excursion. The question will be "What are you going to have for dinner?" And the answer will involve a tale about how his trainer taught him how to cook tuna casserole and then they baptized the whole town. No matter how mundane the conversation, it will end with a testimony.
EF:
Sidewalk Hazard: Zoobis Stoppingcus
One would never know how impossibly slow a body can move while still moving forward until they walk behind a member of this species. Impeding campus walking traffic everywhere they go, it is a miracle that they even get to their classes on time. They tend to walk in groups, blocking off the entire sidewalk to other normal-paced walkers. Oblivious to those passing them, they mosey around campus chatting with the members of their walking group.
TR:
Sister Silent: Zoobis Stealthicus
A species who would rather suffer the pains of torture than voluntarily speak up in class. When forced to vocalize, their voice will be so quiet that no one will really understand what they say, but will nod in agreement to spare them the pain of having to repeat themselves.
EF:
The Young Ones: Zoobis Freshmenticus
Every member of the Zoobis family starts as a Freshmenticus. Members of this species are classified as being "in their first year of college/BYU." Wide-eyed and optimistic, they find themselves lost while trying to find the elusive Crabtree Building, and confused after being turned away from the testing center with a beard. They are among the most social of the Zoobis family, as they are trying to cultivate a strong group of friends that will carry them through college and hopefully the rest of life. They reside in "The Dorms" on campus, usually, but a few can be found off campus. Every member goes on a migratory hike to "The Y" while in this stage of life. They are always excited, and they never sleep. As a result, sometimes they exhibit stress-induced anxiety attacks, panic attacks, and an overwhelming feelings of despair. Freshmenticus are usually made fun of by other people, but you have to give them credit for coming out to a brand new stage of life. The ability to adjust is key to success, and many Freshmenticus are able to survive. The mentality of a Freshmenticus usually wears off by the second year of school, while the organism slowly moves into another category of Zoobis.
TR:
Officer Off-Topic: Zoobis Irrelevanticus
This species has a natural tendency to take the discussion into the dark and dreary wilderness, off the beaten path the teacher has prepared for the lecture. His speech is rife with 'bridge' phrases such as, "I interpret this to be..." or "I think this is a lot like..." which inevitably leads to something less than 10% of the class can relate to or even understand. Unfettered by the shackles of reason, this species can connect global warming to microwave burritos faster than you can bat an eyelash.
EF:
General Awkwardness: Zoobis Exclusicus
This species is closely related to Zoobis Afectionicus. They too thrive only in pairs. Once together, they follow their culture's norm to only speak to members of the opposite sex through their significant other. It is unclear whether or not members of this species are overly-territorial of their significant other, or if they socialized from the time of birth to speak in such a socially different way.
TR:
Professor Personal: Zoobis Uncomfortableicus
This species appears to have no sense of personal or social shame. He is more than willing to expose the most private and secret parts of his soul in a public setting. You will often find him sitting directly behind you, talking about how in a past life he struggled with a cartoon pornography addiction. You are powerless as you feel the immense weight of proxy-embarrassment, and you suffer vicariously for his lack of understanding of common social taboos and acceptable topics to share with utter strangers.
EF:
Lieutenant Light-Tone: Zoobis Righteousness
To be classified as in this group, you must speak in a "Testimony Voice" in every situation. A testimony voice is such that the tone is very light, happy (or fake), and absurdly faithful. Whether you are talking about flowers, the weather, your testimony, 9/11, or pizza, you must always use your testimony voice. Extremists also embed their testimony into everything they say.
TR:
Master of Matrimony: Zoobis Dateicus
A species whose entire existence is centered around the point of courtship and marriage. Those who are not yet married can often be seen charging at members of the opposite sex anywhere on campus, fearlessly taking seats next to them in lecture halls and offering streams of meaningless pre-generated compliments. They are often interpreted to be "flirtatious," "overly-friendly," and "creepy."
EF:
Count Clean Mouth: Zoobis Awesomesauce Fetchicus
Another species who uses different language, Awesomesauce Fetchicus incorporates nonsensical words into their vocabulary instead of swearing. You may hear something close to the real swear world, but members of this group never actually swear. Their effect on BYU culture is that campus is a very family-friendly place, where nobody needs to wash out their potty mouth.
TR:
Rabbi Radical: Zoobis Shockicus
This particular species is extremely concerned with not falling under the same stigmas as most of the other White, Mormon students on campus. Often associated with the Left Wing of politics, they also have a tendency to "rock the boat" with controversial, and borderline heretical, statements and opinions. They often attend protests, enjoy conflict, and have the loudest yelling capabilities of all the species on campus. Avoid this species, as they are very aggressive and territorial.
EF:
Judge Judger: Zoobis Inbutnotoftheworldous
Inbutnotoftheworldous are enthusiasts of the gospel principle "Be in the world, but not of the world." Typically, this means appreciate the world, but do not follow its unrighteous paths. Members of this species interpret the phrase to mean "Live in the world because that's where we are, but do not acknowledge people who are different from you." They like to think that they can make a bubble in which for them to live while the rest of the world goes on around them. Such an attitude causes the Inbutnotoftheworldous to be substantially more judgmental than normal people. It often comes off as self-righteous and offensive to those "of the world," but we must remember that they are just trying to follow the Prophet, and not purposely/personally trying to offend. While members do not necessarily try to convert others to their way of living, they make sure to use a tone that will make you feel like you're the unrighteous one.
